Mad Things Girls Do
by Delylah
Summary: A Translation in the Simplest Language, So Boys Can Understand Them, by Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. I'm not Jo Rowling. I'm receiving no monetary compensation from this effort to amuse myself and others. I'm broke as hell. Please don't sue.

**Author's Note:** This is just another one of my old stories that I never managed to post here. It hasn't been betaed. And there are other people who have written similar stories and written them better than I could ever hope to manage. Also, for some reason I can't make the strikethrough feature work (if that's even possible here on where they seem to be really picky about what type of text enhancements are allowable). Pretend that the words written in plain text in the lines that are italicised are struck through as Ginny is editing Hermione's work until I can figure it out.

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><p><strong>Mad Things Girls Do<strong>

_A Translation in the Simplest Language, So Boys Can Understand Them_

_By Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley_

_**Rule Number One:**__ You will never understand us, don't even try. The most we expect you to be able to accomplish_

"No, Hermione, this is supposed to be written in simple language. If you start using words like "accomplish" they'll simply close the book and never open it again," Ginny chided.

"Well, what word do you suggest I use, Ginny?" Hermione asked.

"'Do'. It's only two letters, any of them can understand that," Ginny answered.

"Fine," Hermione said, sighing as she made the change.

_..._accomplish_ do is to listen and nod your head when we speak, so we at least have the satisfaction of knowing you heard us, whether you understood or not._

"There you go again. Satisfaction is too big," Ginny said, reading over Hermione's shoulder.

"Ginny, just because they're boys doesn't mean they're stupid!" Hermione insisted.

"When it comes to girls, Hermione, yes, they are. Big words in a book like this will just scare them. They'll be convinced that they knew all along that girls were too complicated to understand and they'll just put the book down right there," Ginny explained.

"Well what should I do?"

"Here, let me see..." Ginny grabbed the quill from Hermione and tapped it against her face as she thought. "Got it!"

_...do is to listen and nod your head when we speak._ so we at least have the satisfaction of knowing you heard us, whether you understood or not_. That makes us happy.___

"Ginny!" Hermione protested loudly.

"What? It's simple. First rule, and they already have an answer to what makes us happy. I think it works," Ginny said, nodding in satisfaction.

"Oh, fine, then." Hermione tapped the first paragraph with her wand, and the sentence rearranged itself.

_**Rule Number One: **__You will never understand us. Don't even try. The most we expect you to be able to do is to listen and nod your head when we speak. That makes us happy._

"Perfect," Ginny said. "Now what should Rule Number Two be?"

"Um..." Hermione thought for a moment, then wrote the second rule.

_**Rule Number Two:**__ Girls cry for the following reasons:_

_1) We are anguished_

_2) We are overjoyed_

_3) We are furious_

Ginny read what Hermione had written and shook her head. "Still with the half-galleon words. Here, let me." She grabbed the parchment and made several more adjustments.

_**Rule Number Two:**__ Girls cry for the following reason:_

_1) We are _anguished_ sad_

_2) We are _overjoyed_ happy_

_3) We are _furious_ mad_

Hermione read what she had written and complained, "Ginny, that sounds like we cry because we're insane!"

"Oh, you're right. Here." Ginny took the parchment back, scratched through what she had written and added another word.

_3) We are _furious mad_ angry._

"There, at least that has fewer letters than 'furious,'" Ginny said.

"Can you think of any other reason?" Hermione asked.

"Of course," Ginny replied. "I can think of lots. But we don't want to overwhelm them. Those are the main three, I think."

"Aren't they going to want to know how to tell the difference?" Hermione wondered.

"Certainly, Hermione, because it would be _so _easy to explain that in the simplest language," Ginny replied sarcastically.

"You have a point," Hermione said. "But they need to know _something_ to do. How about..." Hermione trailed off and chewed on the end of her quill before adding to the parchment.

_When we cry, your job is to:_

_1) Give us a hug_

_2) Offer us a hanky or a tissue_

_3) Apologize for making us cry (it doesn't matter if we are crying because we are happy, sad, or angry, in all three cases it was likely your fault and you should apologize)._

"What do you think?" Hermione asked.

"That's good," Ginny said. "It's true, too. Do you think they'll do it?"

"No idea. We'll just have to wait and see. Now, what's Rule Number Three?" Hermione asked.

Ginny thought for a moment, then broke into a smile and scribbled hastily on the parchment.

_**Rule number three:**__ We don't tell you our problems so that you can fix them. We tell you because we just want you to listen to us. We can figure out how to fix the problem on our own. That's what spell books are for._

"When this is finished, let's owl a copy of it to every boy at Hogwarts. And make sure Michael Corner gets a couple of spare copies. I didn't think it was possible, but he's even more clueless than Harry," Ginny huffed in a disgusted tone.

"I didn't think that was possible either," Hermione replied. "You dated him for almost a year. He couldn't have been that bad!" Hermione laughed.

Ginny arched an eyebrow at her. "He had his...assets," she said wryly.

Hermione's eyes grew round. "Oh," she said, incapable of elaborating at that moment.

"Let's move on, shall we?" Ginny asked.

Hermione nodded, then twirled the quill between her fingers as she contemplated the next paragraph. "Oh, I know!"

_**Rule number four: **__We only let you think you're smarter than we are, because we know it makes you happy. When you're happy, you buy us things. We like that. But we know the truth, and we can live with that._

"Are you certain we should include that one?" Ginny asked.

"If we don't, they'll continue to be insufferable gits thinking they know more about everything than we do," Hermione answered.

"Yes, but you said right there we just let them think that, anyway. They won't believe us even if we write it down, so what's the point? Besides, I think it's part of the Universal Witches Code that we not reveal that bit of information to wizards, upon pain of death," Ginny said seriously.

"Why not?" Hermione asked.

"If you go 'round telling boys that we know more than they do, who are we going to get to fix the floo when it breaks? Or charm the portkeys? Have you ever tried to charm a portkey?" Ginny asked. When Hermione shook her head, she continued, "It's a bloody pain, you know. Not fun at all. No, better we continue to let them believe they know more, so they'll keep doing the dirty work."

"You're right, of course." Hermione marked through the last paragraph.

Rule number four: We only let you think you're smarter than we are, because we know it makes you happy. When you're happy, you buy us things. We like that. But we know the truth, and we can live with that.

"Ok, so what should rule number four be?" Hermione asked.

"I've got it," Ginny answered. She pulled the parchment away from Hermione to write the next paragraph, then slid it back to Hermione, who burst out laughing when she read what Ginny had written.

**Rule Number Four:** _There is no rule number four._

"Ginny, why on earth...?" Hermione began.

Ginny shrugged. "We have to leave them something to wonder about, right? And the title of the book is Mad Things Girls Do, isn't it?"

"That's true. On to Rule Number Five..."

"Oh, I have a great idea for that one!" Ginny said. She scribbled hastily, and then showed it to Hermione with a smug smile.

_**Rule number five: **__When we ask you if our robes make us look fat, or too thin, we want you to tell us we're beautiful, no matter how we look. In ALL cases the answer is ABSOLUTELY NEVER GOING TO BE YES!_

"Ron needs to memorize that one," Hermione said. "Do you know that he never once told me I looked nice last at the Yule Ball during Fourth Year?"

"That doesn't surprise me," said Ginny. "I've lived with him for fifteen years, remember? I don't think I've ever heard him compliment a girl, including me or mum."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Ginny just laughed. "Ok, it's your turn for the next one."

"I'm starting to wonder why we're even bothering," Hermione groused.

"Because Ron asked you to," Ginny answered, "even if he didn't think you'd take it seriously. And because when it come to girls, he and Harry need help. And we're getting tired of waiting around hoping an anvil will fall out of the sky and hit them in their thick heads, so we're taking matters into our own hands."

"But, Ginny, none of this has anything to do with giving them a clue about that," Hermione said.

"Just wait. We haven't gotten to that part yet. And it's still your turn."

"Fine." Hermione grabbed the parchment and scrawled a long paragraph.

_**Rule number six:**__ When you ask us if something is wrong, and we say nothing, we really mean something. We expect you to keep asking us until we relent and tell you. At the same time, we also expect you to be able to figure out the answer on your own. The purpose of asking is to let us know that you care enough to ask, that it matters to you, not to actually find out the answer._

"That's perfect," Ginny said. "I've got the next one."

_**Rule number seven:**__ When you ask us what we want for Christmas or our Birthday, and we say nothing, we don't really mean it. What we mean is that we expect you to come up with an idea on your own rather than having to ask us, and we won't really care what you give us, because it really is the thought that counts. Most of the time. But don't give us anything having to do with the Cannons. Or Dungbombs. Or tickets to any sporting event. Or dead animals of any kind. We also do not want appliances, self-help books that indicate that you may think we are insane or ugly, or anything from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. We do not appreciate being made the butt of a practical joke on special occasions. In fact, see our upcoming publication,_ 101Things NOT to Give Your Girlfriend for Special Occasions.

"Are we really going to write that?" Hermione asked.

"Er...I don't know about you, but Neville tried to give me a toad for Valentine's day one year. I think he intended it as a girlfriend for Trevor. He thought it would be cute," Ginny said with a grimace.

"Are you joking?" Hermione asked. "I didn't know you could tell if toads were male or female."

"I'm not certain you can, and I'd rather not think of it right now," Ginny said with a shudder. "Yes, I think we will probably write that one too, Hermione."

"Well, Ron would never do anything like that," Hermione scoffed.

Ginny snorted. "Of course he would. He's a boy, isn't he? What was the last gift he gave you?"

Hermione blushed. "Er, an assortment of skiving snackboxes, actually. But there was the perfume he gave me for Christmas fifth year," she pointed out eagerly.

"Hermione, who do you think gave him that idea?" Ginny asked.

"Oh." Hermione looked crestfallen.

Ginny patted her hand reassuringly. "It's all right. He picked the fragance out himself. I just gave him the idea."

"Oh," Hermione said, brightening somewhat.

"In any case, I've proven my point. Ron needs this book just as much as Harry does. Probably more," Ginny said.

"Well, at least Ron grew up with a sister in the house. That has to count for something, doesn't it?" Hermione asked hopefully.

Ginny snorted. "He just learned that much better how to torment girls."

Hermione pondered this for a moment. "You're probably right. He excels at that."

She reached for the parchment and began scribbling furiously again.

_**Rule Number Eight: **__Whenever you ask us out and we tell you we will be ready by a certain time, we never mean the actual time that we tell you. In order to determine what time we will truly be ready to leave, apply the following formula:_

_Estimated departure time (this is the time we originally gave you)=x_

_Anticipated arrival time at destination=y_

_Mode of travel=t (insert appropriate factor for t)_

_Apparate=4_

_Portkey=4.5_

_Floo=4.8_

_Broomstick=5_

_Ambulatory=6_

_Anticipated monetary expenditure for the evening, in galleons=a_

_a(y-x) /t = the number of minutes to add to the original time we told you we would be ready_

Ginny looked at Hermione as if she had grown another head on her shoulders. "Do they actually teach you that in arithmancy?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Hermione said. "Of course they don't. The point is…boys aren't going to bother figuring out the formula until the minute they're ready to leave, which is typically going to be no more than five minutes before we told them we would be ready. They'll spend at least ten minutes trying to figure out how many galleons they'll spend to plug into the formula, then another ten minutes griping about how illogical the formula is before giving up and coming to pick us up. I figure it will give us at least an additional fifteen minutes, which is all we really need anyway, right?"

Ginny still looked skeptical. "I don't know…most of the boys I know probably wouldn't bother with it at all."

"In that case, when he arrives too early, you can always point to the book and remind him it's his fault you aren't ready to leave yet, because he didn't follow the formula."

Ginny appeared to consider this before nodding. "Works for me. How many rules are we going to write, anyway?"

"I think we'll stop at ten for now. We can always issue an addendum if need be."

Ginny nodded again. "This is harder than I thought it would be."

"I know. And we haven't even tried to cover the important stuff yet."

"Doesn't really matter, does it? A couple of dunderheads like Harry and Ron are liable to miss the point entirely anyway. Hey, I think I have an idea for the next one." With an evil gleam in her eye, Ginny began writing again.

_**Rule Number 9:**__ After pining away in unrequited love for an indeterminate period that can range anywhere from three weeks to three years, we will 1) tell our best friends to let you know we no longer fancy you, whether we do or not, 2) promptly begin dating the first available boy who isn't an utter toad, and 3) hold a ceremonial bonfire during which you will be burnt in effigy._

Ginny finished the paragraph with a flourish, and passed the list to Hermione.

"They'll never believe that one, you know," Hermione said, laughing so hard that tears rolled from her eyes.

"I don't know why not. Every word of it is true!" Ginny insisted.

"I know, I was there, remember? Wait, I have another," Hermione said. She put the quill to the parchment and wrote furiously.

_**Rule Number 10: **__After waiting, and waiting, and WAITING for you to ask us to the Yule Ball, when we finally become convinced that you are a complete prat and that you have either 1) asked someone else, or 2) decided not to go, we will accept the invitation offered by the perfectly nice young wizard who says sweet things to us. Next time, ASK US FIRST!_

Ginny giggled. "They won't get that one either. Well, Harry might, but Ron still complains about you going to the ball with 'Vicky'. Sometimes I don't know what you see in him, Hermione."

"I try not to think about it too hard, otherwise, I might change my mind," said Hermione. "Anything else?"

"I think we've covered it," said Ginny. "Do you remember the spellocopy charm?"

"Yes, but let's not send it tonight. We might think of something later." Hermione rolled the parchment up and tucked it into the top of her rucksack. "I'm going to put these up," she said, gesturing to the books in the sack. "I'll meet you back here in a few minutes, all right?"

"All right," Ginny replied.

Together, the girls started up the stairs to their dormitories. Neither of them noticed when the parchment toppled out of Hermione's rucksack and rolled under one of the tables in the common room, where it lay until discovered by Dobby the House Elf, late that evening after everyone in Gryffindor Tower had gone to bed.

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><p><strong>Second Author's Note:<strong> I had originally intended to continue this and have there be wacky consequences to Hermione's manuscript getting loose, but I've since forgotten whatever idea I had. If you want to see this continued, feel free to suggest an idea. I may consider making the second chapter 101 Things Not to give your Girlfriend.


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